Continued from Part One
So this guy is struggling to breathe in the middle of the hot dry desert, all alone, parched unbearably. Miraculously, he sees a concession stand ahead of him, right smack in the wide open dry desert. Is it a mirage? He struggles to the stand and begs the concession-stand guy for water. But the concession guy tells him: "Sorry, I only sell neckties here."
"Neckties!!??" screams the deathly thirsty guy. "Are you crazy!!?? I desperately need water!!"
The concession guy points afar and tells him: "Look, if you can make it past that sand hill over there, on the other side there is a place that has water."
The thirsting guy struggles over the sand hill and soon is out of sight.
Fifteen hours later, the concession guy sees a terribly pitiful sight: That same thirsty guy, now crawling on the sand, panting heavily, seemingly on the brink of death, is on the way back from the other side, crawling pitifully slowly towards the concession stand. He is so parched that he seems about to breathe his last gasp.
The concession guy asks him: "Did you find the place with the water?"
The guy, panting and barely able to get out the words, replies: "Yeah, I found it. But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
The Year 2019 was that kind of experience. And now on to Part Two:
And so the FBI called out its toughest SWAT team in a daring midnight raid, not to catch Peter Strzok and Lisa Page but to arrest one Roger Stone with live CNN coverage of the death-defying moment. Who tipped off CNN to be there live? Perhaps ISIS. Perhaps Jussie Smollett? Perhaps George Conway?
Meanwhile, Ocasio-Cortez ("The Hyphen"), the new social media star and leader of the House of Representatives by virtue of her garnering 16,000 votes in a Congressional District of 691,000 people — less than three percent of those living there — made Year 2019 memorable for her district by persuading Amazon to cancel its plans to bring 25,000 high-paying jobs there that would have brought New York $27.5 billion in tax revenue over the next twenty years.
Partial-birth ninth-month abortion lost its former extremist élan and became ho-hum as the Governor of Virginia, the Blackfaced Ralph Northam, assured his constituents that abortion need not stop at nine months and can continue even after birth, with the newborn kid being kept comfortable at the hospital while the parents decide whether to kill their son, daughter, or non-binary it. Blackface turned to red face when not only Northam's medical school yearbook was uncovered, but his two next in line included one Democrat, the state's Attorney General, also exposed as a former Blackfacer and the other, the Lieutenant Governor, an alleged double rapist. The cancel culture went into apoplexy. The Right Honorable African American Lieutenant Governor vigorously denied the first rape charges, and then another alleged raped woman emerged, both African American, neither with any discernible ulterior motive for proffering the allegations. This left Virginia, the state that is for lovers, in a quandary. Whites who go Blackface must resign. Men who are accused of raping women must resign. A woman always is believed, even without evidence, and here there were two. But — a big but — that would turn the Guv's mansion over to a Republican. So a new Orthodoxy emerged: Blackface is not so bad after all. And rape? Well, y'know how that goes: He says, she says. Who knows? Maybe she is a liar. And maybe the next woman is a liar. You can't really trust a woman — especially if a Republican is fourth in line. The end of the #MeToo era.
Trump finally got to make his SOTU speech in February, and he was met by an ostensible Aimee Semple McPherson Fan Club of Democrat Women, all dressed in white, lacking only the blue capes. Watching all those women in their wedding dresses, unsure throughout the speech as to when they should applaud the President, when to stand, when to sit, reminded the viewer of elementary-school graduation. The bat-crazy Girls in White never got to sing the school Alma Mater, though. From a night in white, America next was treated to a night in Black, as a nationally prominent television star heretofore unknown was assaulted and battered in the middle of the night in Chicago, on the coldest night since Global Warming hit the Windy City, in the middle of the freezing night, by two thugs who were outraged and yelling "Maga! Maga! Maga!" — an ancient war cry of the Incas, Aztecs, or Huns. It turned out that the hapless victim of the Maga RACIST!!! attempted lynching, one Jussie Smollett, had cooked the whole thing up, with his two pre-staged assailants still demanding that he refund them for the torture devices he had them purchase, and for which they presented their receipts and proofs of purchase. Smollett lost his TV role on a show that no one watches, but for which he was being paid $65,000 per episode, totaling over a million dollars per year. Although Smollett apparently stiffed them, they were sure eventually to collect their due, as Al Sharpton began compelling Democrat Presidential hopefuls to advocate reparations for Black people. LeBron James, a gutless coward, nevertheless may be expected to submit his claim for reparations, along with other worthies like Obama and said Sharpton, not to mention the vastly underfunded Colin Kaepernick, as soon as the payments are collected from the children of Irish, German, Italian, Polish, and Jewish immigrants who arrived in this country after slavery ended.
The Democrat presidential field started taking shape. Kamala Harris, who rose to political status by being Willie Brown's public female consort, even as he was very married and his wife was giving furious public statements to the media, had her brief fling before fizzling. Along the way, the same woman who prosecuted others for smoking weed revealed with giggles that she likewise smoked weed in college while listening to rappers like Snoop Daddy and Tupac — exposed as Hillary-quality lies, since neither Snoop Daddy nor Tupac were known then. Kamala also called for reparations before learning that she descends from Jamaican slave owners. Meanwhile, Kirsten Gillibrand, who had made her name by turning on the Clintons after riding them to a seat in the Senate, found herself even more a flop, resorting to pitching pennies for donations and sitting at gay bars while yelling "Gay Rights!" to no one in particular. Amy Klobuchar gained some publicity for her campaign, as Americans learned that, beneath the veneer of "Minnesota Nice," she is a sadistic maniac who tortures her staff, berates and defames them, and makes them wash out the hair combs she uses to eat salads. Joe Biden tweeted a boyfriend bracelet for Obama's birthday and made other memorable moments indelible during the campaign season, as he sucked on his wife's finger, warmly described people rubbing the hair on his legs, and continued conflating names of people and places. Robert O'Rourke, a Scottish-Irish White man descended from privilege, a Kennedyesque former hit-and-run driver, masqueraded as Zorro by calling himself "Beto." He skated in to the race — "Man, I'm just born to be in it" — and he soon skated out, but not before having his teeth flossed on social media and his ear hairs plucked, again on social media, for his adoring minions. Cory Booker told us he is a vegetarian, which did not even get him the Green New Deal vote, as The Hyphen, the Jew-hating Tlaib, the Jew-hating Omar, and the Jew-hating Sarsour all lined up behind Bernie Sanders, which helped give a better understanding to what kind of Jew he is. Sanders leveraged their devotions to campaign mightily, taking only a brief pause for a heart attack, underscoring his readiness to serve as President if elected next November at age 79.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren, in line to be America's first Indian in the White House, went on the warpath against Pete Buttigieg for raising money from rich people at a wine event. Since Warren, a multi-millionaire, already had raised money from rich people at wine events — although she personally prefers guzzling beer — she seemed to be accusing Pete of cultural appropriation. At the same time, some nut named Marianne entered the debates, running on a platform of Love. Rumor had it that Putin, Xi, and the Korean Doughboy were smitten. Jealous of Buttigieg, New York's own mayor, Hizzoner Da Despised Bill de Blasio, jumped into the race for a few weeks, with New Yorkers cheering his departure from the state but soon bewailing his decision to come back to the city. With Cory Booker and Kamala Harris disappearing and crying "RACISM!!!" an Asian guy, Andrew Yang, seemed to say: "Hey, we have diversity: what about me?" He surely was reminded that a federal court had held in the Harvard University case that it is OK to discriminate against Asians because they are so — how did the court seem to put it? — Asian. That left only one certified minority on the stage: the blood-tested 1-in-1,024th American Indian. Sadly, Princess Speaking Bull could not get her blood test covered by the taxpayers because her Medicare-for-All plan still was a passing thought in the Happy Hunting Grounds of Massachusetts. With all the Democrats making such a mess of the thing, they seemed mostly to agree on two things: (1) Medicare-for-All-Except-for-Those-Who-Worked-and-Paid-for-Decades-into-Medicare and (2) tax The Billionaires into oblivion. Fittingly, that brought in a Billionaire Backlash among the party of the working poor, with Michael Bloomberg and Tom Steyer each aiming to buy the election. Bloomberg advertising now is so ubiquitous that his commercials appear on YouTube videos unrelated to anything. We soon may expect to see his name replacing those of "Calvin Klein" and "Ralph Lauren" on intimate apparel, with the words "For President" superimposed.
Leftists had anticipated wistfully that 2019 would be the year that Fox News would join CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, the New York Times, the Washington Post and all the other corrupt media outlets on the Dark Side. The Left had forced out Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes. Greta Van Something, emboldened by the chaos within Fox News, demanded a huge raise, threatening otherwise to quit — and she was gone. Me-Again Kelly had jumped to NBC for a fabulous new career that would last several weeks. And the word was that the Murdoch heirs would turn the entire enterprise to the Left. But Tucker Carlson proved increasingly engaging, drawing a coveted younger demographic that O'Reilly could not lasso, and Carlson became increasingly straightforward conservative, especially after the Corrupt Journalist Corps unsuccessfully tried to leverage Cancel Culture to destroy the man whom Mark Steyn calls "Tuckuh." Greta Van Whoever, who had lobbied on her show for Merrick Garland Senate hearings among other things, was replaced successfully by Martha MacCallum, who likewise moved her show to a clearly conservative perspective. Sean Hannity continued to be so much better than when he had to share his show with the late Alan Colmes. And in the greatest replacement since Lou Gehrig succeeded Wally Pipp, Laura Ingraham resurrected the show that once had belonged to Me-Again Kelly. Me-Again, meanwhile, got canceled at NBC for wondering aloud why a Blackface Halloween costume — well, let's leave it at: she would have done better if she had been Governor of Virginia. As an added bonus by year's end, Sheppard Smith left Fox News of his own volition, making the mid-day newscast watchable, too.
The country had its fair share of nuts getting their fifteen minutes. George Conway, often described as the husband of Kellyanne, generated waves of rumors that he really loves Trump, and that he and Kellyanne simply are laying the groundwork for a future lucrative career after the Trump presidency, as a traveling act à la James Carville and Mary Matalin. The law finally caught up with Jeffrey Epstein, and he soon found justice, but too soon. As America's most watched prisoner sat incarcerated under 24-7 suicide watch, he was dead in no time flat, with the assigned prison guards asleep or on lunch break or whatever, bringing memories of the night that Michael Corleone went to the hospital to visit his dad, Vito. There was no useful camera footage despite the high-surveillance prison watch. It is not known whether Epstein's last words before the hanging were: "Hands up, Don't shoot." If so, his words were honored. Meanwhile, overseas, the United States located one Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the head-chopping ISIS. Hunted down by a team of U.S. Special Operations forces and facing a dog, with his Bakr 'gainst the wall, he did the noble Islamist thing, putting on an explosives belt, pulling a bunch of his little children towards him as human body shields, then blowing them all up with Papa. In their obituary the next day, the Washington Post headlined the hit as the death of an "austere religious scholar." President Trump offered an alternative obituary lead, less descriptive of the evaporated deceased's studies: "He died like a dog. He died like a coward." When it was revealed that the dog who hunted him down, a Belgian Malinois named Conan, had not itself died, Adam Schiff called for secret meetings of the House Intelligence Committee to draft an article of impeachment, explaining: "The President lied to us. If Conan the Dog did not die, why is the President withholding from the American People the facts as to which other dog Abu Bakr died like?" Later, Jerrold Nadler subpoenaed Conan to appear before the House Judiciary Committee, but the Belgian breed waffled.
The Game of Thrones ("GoT") epic ended on a sour note. For seven seasons, the lovely Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains had mesmerized and won the hearts of so many Millennials that they named more of their daughters "Khaleesi" than "Julie," "Gloria," or "Anne." And then, with all those birth certificates permanently registered, came the penultimate episode of the series where it unfolded that the sweet lovely Khaleesi turns out to be the worst mass-murderer of all time, exceeding the cruelty of Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and George Soros, all in one. Meanwhile, GoT fans were so angered by the uninspired last season of the series that every person who ever had watched an episode of the eight seasons posted a tweet claiming that they could have written a better finale. As a fitting touch, the season featured a scene where the ancient-era characters were dining at a table that somehow included a Starbucks-branded paper cup of coffee amid the usual Beowulf fare of mead, boar, and jellied calves feet with garlic.
Finally the Conspiracy Hoaxes. Robert Mueller finally filed his final report. After 448 pages, 675 days (just shy of two years), 19 attorneys, $25.2 million, 42 interviews, 40 FBI agents, intelligence analysts, forensic accountants, and other professional staff, 2,800 subpoenas, nearly 500 search warrants, more than 230 orders for communication records, almost 50 orders authorizing use of pen registers,13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, and approximately 500 witness interviews, he appeared before Congress to say "Never mind." His appearance also raised questions about his appearance, with rumors circulating that his testimony sounded an awful lot like Joe Biden being asked to describe or explain reality. Increasingly, the question was asked whether Mueller had been a mere figurehead manipulated by an Andrew Weissmann, or whether the investigation simply had blown him to shreds. He was not heard from again.
Left without grounds to impeach President Trump — the three-year rallying cry of the Washington Post, Maxine Waters, The Hyphen, Jew-hating Rashida Tlaib, Jew-hating Ilhan Omar, and hapless Al Green — an anonymous Whistleblower, known only to Adam Schiff and to anyone with a social media account, revealed that the President had made a phone call to newly elected Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. During the call Trump, who campaigned on a promise to stop sending billions in American taxpayer money as "foreign aid" to corrupt regimes, congratulated Zelensky and asked him to root out corruption in Ukraine if he wanted America to send him zillions in foreign aid. Zelensky repeatedly has made clear that he never perceived any threats or pressure during the call, and that he indeed planned to investigate corruption. He further has stated often that he did not even know that aid was on hold. In the end, Trump's aid — including significant offensive equipment like Javelin anti-tank missiles — far exceeded the blankets and pillows that Obama begrudgingly sent.
One example of such corruption that Trump wanted investigated is the way that the Burisma energy company paid Hunter Biden $83,000 a month — a million dollars a year — to sit on their board even though Biden knows less about energy than a college student studying all night in the dorms on Monster Energy drinks. Hunter Biden previously had been discharged from military service for cocaine use and now is in the midst of an epic paternity-support litigation that will entertain the Year 2020 as well, contending against the noble pole-dancing stripper who mothered his child-support obligation. Ukraine had been investigating Burisma until Hunter's father, Joseph, told Zelensky's predecessor that, as Obama's assigned Tsar over Ukraine funding, Joe would withhold $1 billion earmarked for Ukraine until Ukraine fired the guy investigating Hunter's Burisma. The guy got fired, and Joe Biden honored the quid pro quo, giving Ukraine their billion. Hunter got his million, leaving a net gain for Ukraine of $999 million. As a result, the Democrats impeached Trump for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress — neither of which are grounds for impeachment under the American Constitution. As the year ended, Nancy Pelosi announced that she would abuse her power and obstruct Congress by refusing to submit the impeachment articles to the United States Senate.
And for the first time since December 2016, Chanukah and Christmas came out in the same week.